In Which Deidara is Blackmailed
by LuneDe
Summary: Pein and Konan along with the rest of the Akatsuki can't enjoy dinner because Deidara is acting weird...because Tobi and Sasori have blackmail on him! Will Deidara ever be free from their blackmail? Read to find out! I can't stress that enough. Oneshot


Disclaimer: I do not own the anime/manga _Naruto_, the film _Titanic_, the food Oreo, or the website Youtube. They belong to their respective owners, I just made up this fanfic.

Deidara submerged deeper into the bubble covered tub. Only wet blond hair was revealed and based on Deidara's features one could mistake Deidara for a girl. But in reality he was a guy. Suddenly he began to sing.

_Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you open the door  
And you're here in my heart  
And my _kokoro_ will go on and on_

Deidara stopped singing and begin to hum it as he played with his bath toys, crashing a toy boat into a plastic ducky. "Bang!" he exclaimed, submerging the boat into the water.

"I believe the last line was supposed to be '_and my _heart_ will go on and on'_."

"What the-?" Deidara suddenly noticed someone else was in his presence. He moved the shower curtains back a fraction to see a familiar orange wearing Akatsuki member.

"No matter, I bet the people on Youtube would like to hear this anyway." the masked man said, pocketed the recording device he held. "Thanks sempai, that was all I needed."

"Give that to me, un!" demanded Deidara, but Tobi was already gone. He quickly got out of the tub and dressed himself. He had to get the tape back before the entire world found out he sang '_My Heart Will Go On'_ in the shower!

By the time Deidara reached Tobi's room he was already there, expecting sempai.

Tobi was rolling around his bed, laugh hysterically while playing the tape over and over again. Deidara snatched the tape out of Tobi's hands and smashed it. Tobi stopped laughing.

"Oh sempai don't be so naive! Did you think I would only have one copy?"

"Did you post it yet, hmm?"

"No."

Deidara sighed in relief.

"But I will…"

Relief turned to horror.

"…unless you listen to what I say."

"You're blackmailing me then, hmm?"

"Blackmailing? No. Tobi is a good boy. Just think of it as volunteering."

"What do you want, hmm?"

"I was hoping you'd say that." grinned Tobi, delighted that sempai 'volunteered.'

"I'll let you know when the time comes."

------

"Tobi, I'm not going to…"

"Sempai…"

"No!"

"Yes!"

Deidara finally gave up and bent over. "All aboard, un." said Deidara distastefully as Tobi climbed on his back.

"Giddy up."

"I thought I was a train."

"No. Now you're a pony, sempai. To my room!"

Deidara not-so-gently dumped his passenger into its bed. "Would you like anything else, hmm?"

"You're suppose to say 'would you like anything else, SIR'?" ordered Tobi.  
"Would you like anything else, _sir_?"

"Wash these." ordered Tobi, throwing an unidentified blur at Deidara.

"What?! I'm not washing you're underwear, un! Do it yourself you lazy brat!"

"Oh well, I'm pretty sure the entire world would like to hear your lovely voice, or better yet, the rest of the Akatsuki…"

"Itachi-san!" yelled Tobi

"Saso-" but before Tobi called the other members of the Akatsuki Deidara placed a hand upon Tobi's mouth, effectively silencing him.

"Mmph!" protested Tobi.

"Only if you shut up…"

Tobi nodded slowly and Deidara removed his hand.

"Ew, now I have to brush my teeth again." complained Tobi.

"What do you mean you have to brush again, hmm?" That tasted like chicken! You didn't brush your teeth once yet, un!" retorted Deidara.

"You have a point there…Hey! You didn't say 'sir' sempai. Nevertheless…you still have to wash them."

"Fine, un." sighed Deidara, giving in to Tobi's demands.

"Fine, SIR."

"Fine, _sir_." Deidara grudgingly said.

"By the way you now have to refer to underpants as 'Oreos,' sempai."

Deidara groaned, he just didn't understand how Tobi's mind worked. He dumped the 'Oreos' into a laundry basket and was about to leave when Tobi spoke up again.

"Tell me a bedtime story, sempai."

"What would you like to hear, _sir_?" said Deidara, wishing he had escaped the room faster.

"Read me this manga, sempai." said Tobi, flinging a comic book at Deidara. Tobi throwing things at Deidara was starting to become a habit. Usually Deidara was the one tossing things, mostly clay birds at Tobi.

Deidara dropped the laundry basket and seated himself on Tobi's bed. He flipped open the manga to a random page and began to read. "When I grow up I'm going to become Hokage, believe it!"

Deidara stopped reading and began to fume," Believe it? What kind of an idiot says believe it at the end of every sentence, un?!"

"You have a speech problem too sempai."

"I do not, un!"

"Just continue reading."

"Byakugan. Hey Neji! Did you spot it yet?" Deidara was about to turn the page until yet again Tobi demanded something else. "You have to describe what's going on in the pictures too."

"Wouldn't it be easier for you to just see it, _sir_?" asked Deidara, shoving the comic against Tobi's masked face. Tobi pushed it away, "This is a bedtime story, you have to READ. Now…describe it."

"There is this guy…what is that, hmm? What? Does he have an aging disorder or something? All those wrinkles around his eyes, un."

"That's supposed to be Neji's Kekkei Genkai."

"Whatever. There's also this blond trying to hide in a tree, un. Like that's going to help. What kind of a stupid ninja wears orange, hmm? That would instantly ruin any camouflage."

Tobi adjusted his mask in agitation. Oh yeah, did I mention his mask was ORANGE?

"Oops. I didn't mean you, un," laughed Deidara nervously. "Anyway, I think those two are chasing after a-"

"Enough." said Tobi. "I grow weary of your unique way of storytelling. You may leave."

Deidara was about to leave when once again Tobi changed his mind and ordered Deidara around some more.

"Tuck me in Deidara-sempai."

That was the last straw, Deidara was at his limit.

"Don't worry _sir_, I'll tuck you in." said Deidara in a voice reminiscent of poisonous honey while tucking Tobi in. "Not too tightly though, I wouldn't want you to suffocate, hmm?!" exclaimed Deidara, attempting to smother Tobi with a combination of blankets and pillows. Unfortunately for Deidara he once again failed to kill Tobi by using suffocation.

"G-Good night sempai." gasped Tobi, a little out of breath from Deidara's attack. "Humph." scoffed Deidara, deciding to let Tobi off this time and not murder him. Someone would be bound to find the body and only Zetsu can dispose of it entirely. Zetsu would never injure Tobi though. No, Tobi was a 'good boy.'

Once again Deidara stood up to leave and once gain Tobi stopped him.

"Wait."

"What is it this time, sir?" asked Deidara, clenching his fists.

"Here's a list of things you should do at dinner tomorrow on cue." said Tobi, handing a piece of paper over to Deidara. "Make sure you memorize it. Deidara took the list wordlessly and left, this time Tobi did not stop him.

------

The first thing Deidara did was enter the kitchen. A late night snack wouldn't hurt he thought. Deidara was in the mood for chicken. To his surprise someone was already there.

"Sasori-no-Danna?" yawned Deidara. "What are you doing up so late, hmm?"

"I could ask you the same." scoffed Sasori, taking a sip from the cup of coffee he had on the kitchen table. "If you must really know…It's late night reading."

Deidara suddenly became aware of a really thick book in Sasori's hands. '_Controlling Puppets for Pros_' it read. He also notice something else, "You look like a nerd with glasses on, un." Deidara commented.

Sasori calmly took off his think rimmed ruby colored spectacles. "At least my haircut doesn't make me look like a girl." he retorted.

Deidara tightened his fists and rolled up his sleeves. "Then I'll prove I don't fight like one!"

"Uh…You're hair makes you look like a …pretty girl?" commented Sasori, trying to calm Deidara by using flattery. Obviously it had the opposite effect.

"Sasori-no-Danna, you see that, hmm?" asked Deidara, pointing at his coffee filled mug. "It's made of clay, un."

Before Sasori could react Deidara yelled "Katsu!"

------

"Ugh, my cloak is ruined." complained Sasori, looking at his coffee colored Akatsuki cloak in disdain.

"Shouldn't you be more worried about your hair, hmm?"

"Why?"

"It's on fire."

"Oh." said Sasori, calmly putting it out. Deidara took off his own red hair ribbon and tied it over Sasori's burnt hair.

"There, now it's not as noticeable, un. Plus it matches your glasses."

"Thanks…"

"Can I ask you for some advice, Danna?"

"What's wrong?"

"It's Tobi. He's blackmailing me…now I have to wash his 'Oreos'."

"Oreos?"

"That's what I have to call underpants from now on, un."

"Oh…What kind of blackmail exactly?"

"Promise not to laugh, hmm?"

"Ok…"

"He has a voice recording of me…singing '_My Heart Will Go On'._"

Sasori didn't laugh…sort of. His heart left his own body and went into a puppet's in another room. There he laughed his head off, unheard by Deidara. After he got it out of his system he returned to his normal body since Deidara was beginning to think it was strange that Sasori didn't move for so long.

"I wonder what the others will think…"

"Don't tell them!"

"I won't as long as you follow these instructions…"

Deidara wanted to bang his head against a wall, he had told Sasori his troubles in hopes he would sympathies. Apparently not, now Sasori-no-Danna was going to blackmail him too! Deidara should really rethink who to trust.

------

Tobi stopped Deidara in the hall leading to the dining room. "I'm pretty sure you read the list but just in case let's review. Now…what do you do when Konan takes a sip of water?"

"Give you a complement, un."

"What do you do whenever anyone says 'Deidara'?"

"Meow like a cat…"

"Excellent." laughed Tobi manically, skipping into the dining room. Deidara was about to follow him but Sasori appeared behind him.

"You read the paper I gave you, correct? To make sure you remember I'll ask you a few questions." said Sasori.

"I'm listening." grumbled Deidara.

"What do you do when I tap my glass?'

"Insult Tobi."

"Good…now what do you do if I clear my throat?"

"Smack Tobi in the head."

"Yep. You remembered. Alright then, to dinner!"

------

Everyone sat down to eat dinner, Deidara had the misfortune to be seated between Tobi and Sasori. They could watch his every move. When Konan sat down to eat guess what was the first thing she did?

"There is something I would like to bring to everyone's attention…" said Konan, SIPPING SOME WATER.

"Tobi is a good boy." said Deidara. Tobi giggled and Sasori just appeared annoyed. To counter Deidara's complement to Tobi, Sasori TAPPED HIS GLASS. 'Clink!'

"Tobi is a bad boy.' said Deidara. This time Tobi was confused and Sasori was smiling.

"Sasori, Tobi, DEIDARA. I would appreciate it if you didn't interrupt Konan." said Pein. What he was probably thinking was '_Shut up so I can hear Konan's angelic voice_!'

"Meow." said Deidara, copying a cat.

"Are you alright DEIDARA…?" asked the white half of Zetsu.

"…did you just meow like a cat?" asked the black half in disbelief.

"Meow."

"The bloke effing did it again!" gasped Hidan.

"Perhaps you should see a doctor, DEIDARA-san." said Itachi, giving advice.

"Meow."

"He's meowing like a cat! What doctor is he supposed to see? A vet?' asked Kisame. "I go to one…"

"We're not going to waste money taking DEIDARA to a doctor." scoffed Kakuzu.

"Meow."

"DEIDARA, don't interrupt me again…" said Konan, taking a SIP OF WATER.

"Tobi is 1337 Akatsuki Leader. Better than Pein, meow." said Deidara.

"Something weird is seriously going on…" said Pein and Konan simultaneously.

Sasori got upset at Deidara for commenting Tobi so he did the only thing he could think of…Sasori CLEARED HIS THOART.

"Ahem."

'Smack!' The sound of Deidara's hand colliding with Tobi's head was heard.

"What did you do that for, DEIDARA-sempai?" complained Tobi.

"Meow."

"DEIDARA.DEIDARA.DEIDARA."

"Ahem!" The sound of another 'clink was heard.'

"Tobi is an Akatsuki n00b made of fail. Meow, meow, meow."

Another 'smack!' was heard.

The rest of the Akatsuki watched in confusion at the exchange of words/actions between Tobi, Deidara, and Sasori.

"Deidara!" "Ahem!" The sound of someone drinking water and another tap of glass.

"I can't take this anymore, un!

_Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on_

_  
_"There! Now you all know! I sing '_My Heart Will Go On'_ in the shower!" exclaimed Deidara. "Ha! I'm free from this curse. Free! Free!" Deidara settled down, waiting for the laughter that was bound to ensue.

"So?" all the Akatsuki members said.

"You should hear Kisame do karaoke." scoffed Itachi, "It sort of makes me wish I was blind and deaf!"

"You mean it's not a big deal, hmm?"

"Doesn't everyone sing?" said Pein. "Hidan sings hymns, Kakuzu records his own CDs. It's a form of income and for some reason everyone likes his voice. Konan-chan has the best voice though."

"So it wasn't a big deal?" asked Deidara.

"Yep."

"I did all that stuff for nothing, un?!"

------

I'm sorry for blackmailing you, sempai."

"That's alright I washed your 'Oreos' anyway."

"Really? Thanks sempai!"

Tobi looked at his 'Oreos,' there was a huge hole going right through them.

"Uh, sempai. You didn't use bleach did you?"

"I thought you liked bleach, un."

"The manga/anime! Now what? My 'Oreos' are ruined…I guess I should tell you sempai, but I already posted it on Youtube."

"What?!"

------

Author's Notes: Sempai, Danna, Chan, and San are all honorifics. The song '_My Heart Will Go On'_ is from the movie _Titanic._ Oreos are a type of cookie. Youtube is a popular online video sharing site. I own none of the things metioned so far in my author's notes. There maybe some mistakes. Guess what I was doing when I thought this fanfic up? Reading Naruto manga while eating Oreos, drinking milk, and watching _Titanic_! That was obvious...yeah. Sorry for the use of chat-speak...did you understand enough of it because I can change it to regular spelling.

This entire fic is a parody of a _The Fresh Prince of Bel Air_ episode which I don't own either.


End file.
